Okay, so I got behind a whole week. Life has been overwhelming me lately and I have gotten behind again. Luke's seizures have been bad again. We had to use the diastat to try and stop the seizures three times in the last week. Then, suddenly an explanation arose, Luke was sick. He spiked a fever and breathing has been bad for the last five days. This at least explains the rotten seizures lately, but now Rob and I are on around the clock watch for fevers and breathing.
Then there is work. There is always a lot to do at the end of the year: assessments, report cards, getting ready for next year, and teaching as much as possible in the last few weeks. My class this year has been one of my roughest ever. I here "I don't care!" all day long. Plus the fighting and the tattling is out of control. Lately I have been at a loss because I don't know how to reach these kids. They are so needy and have such difficult lives. Sometimes I don't feel I have enough in me to give to my students and my home life.
An example is this, I had a long day of students throwing attitudes in class, fighting and refusing to complete assignments. I finally left work at 4:30 because I needed to pick Jake up at 5:00. I got to Jake's school at about 5:15 and they were just getting ready to watch Toy Story, this is Jake's favorite. I was greeted by a happy boy pointing to the TV. When I told him we needed to go he walked out without a problem, which surprised me. As soon as I put him in the car and tried to buckle him the tantrum began. He wanted Woody and Buzz. Jake screamed bloody murder the whole way home kicking my seat and trying to hit me. We finally got home and Ry started whining that she was hungry, and Luke was crying because Jake barreled into the room and pushed him down. The hard part is that this is a typical day lately.
I know I am tired, therefore feeling extra glum right now, and I apologize. I LOVE teaching. My hope is that some of this work is making an impact. And I LOVE my children. Sometimes I wander if I am always doing what is best for them or being patient enough with them. I feel like my children are never going to have it easy. Ry quit dance on Monday because her dance teacher yelled at her so much she was in tears and scared to dance. I know that she struggles and how frustrating it can be, but how can I protect her? How do I protect them?
Then there is Rob who is the most incredible husband ever, but it is hard. Having him out of work is great for the kids, but it is hard. He is doing my job at home and I miss it, but am working so much I have no energy to do it when I get home. I know that we are supposed to trust the Lord and not stress about the future, but that has been so difficult. What does the future hold for our finances and Rob's job? We our so lucky to have family support during these difficult financial times, but the uncertainity of our future can be so overwhelming sometimes. Even now Rob is downstairs fighting to get Luke to sleep and giving him another breathing treatment. Rob is so amazing and deserves the peace of mind.
I promise tomorrow I will get back to the daily going on and be out of my slump. In no way do I regret my life, I lOVE my life. But, my life, like so many others, is difficult and it feels good to say "poor me" for a few minutes. Then I get over it and do my best to follow this crazy plan God has for my life. I can honestly say that I have never blamed God or been mad at God for the way my life is evolving. Rather I have had sadness. Sadness for the stress and strain, for the decisions we have to make for the kids, to survive a Jake outburst and know that he is so unhappy, to watch Ry give up something she loves because of the ignorance and lack of patience of someone she trusted, sadness for my students that have had to grow up way too fast and live through more that I could only imagine, and sadness for Luke who's little body convulses, yet he fights the seizure with a smile.
I have my "pity parties" like everyone else, but at the end of the day I know how incredibly blessed I am. I have my kids, my hubby, my job and my family. God really does know what He is doing, the goal is to stay the path. I pray daily for the wisdom patience to take care of my children and my students and the strength to "stay the course."
Then there is work. There is always a lot to do at the end of the year: assessments, report cards, getting ready for next year, and teaching as much as possible in the last few weeks. My class this year has been one of my roughest ever. I here "I don't care!" all day long. Plus the fighting and the tattling is out of control. Lately I have been at a loss because I don't know how to reach these kids. They are so needy and have such difficult lives. Sometimes I don't feel I have enough in me to give to my students and my home life.
An example is this, I had a long day of students throwing attitudes in class, fighting and refusing to complete assignments. I finally left work at 4:30 because I needed to pick Jake up at 5:00. I got to Jake's school at about 5:15 and they were just getting ready to watch Toy Story, this is Jake's favorite. I was greeted by a happy boy pointing to the TV. When I told him we needed to go he walked out without a problem, which surprised me. As soon as I put him in the car and tried to buckle him the tantrum began. He wanted Woody and Buzz. Jake screamed bloody murder the whole way home kicking my seat and trying to hit me. We finally got home and Ry started whining that she was hungry, and Luke was crying because Jake barreled into the room and pushed him down. The hard part is that this is a typical day lately.
I know I am tired, therefore feeling extra glum right now, and I apologize. I LOVE teaching. My hope is that some of this work is making an impact. And I LOVE my children. Sometimes I wander if I am always doing what is best for them or being patient enough with them. I feel like my children are never going to have it easy. Ry quit dance on Monday because her dance teacher yelled at her so much she was in tears and scared to dance. I know that she struggles and how frustrating it can be, but how can I protect her? How do I protect them?
Then there is Rob who is the most incredible husband ever, but it is hard. Having him out of work is great for the kids, but it is hard. He is doing my job at home and I miss it, but am working so much I have no energy to do it when I get home. I know that we are supposed to trust the Lord and not stress about the future, but that has been so difficult. What does the future hold for our finances and Rob's job? We our so lucky to have family support during these difficult financial times, but the uncertainity of our future can be so overwhelming sometimes. Even now Rob is downstairs fighting to get Luke to sleep and giving him another breathing treatment. Rob is so amazing and deserves the peace of mind.
I promise tomorrow I will get back to the daily going on and be out of my slump. In no way do I regret my life, I lOVE my life. But, my life, like so many others, is difficult and it feels good to say "poor me" for a few minutes. Then I get over it and do my best to follow this crazy plan God has for my life. I can honestly say that I have never blamed God or been mad at God for the way my life is evolving. Rather I have had sadness. Sadness for the stress and strain, for the decisions we have to make for the kids, to survive a Jake outburst and know that he is so unhappy, to watch Ry give up something she loves because of the ignorance and lack of patience of someone she trusted, sadness for my students that have had to grow up way too fast and live through more that I could only imagine, and sadness for Luke who's little body convulses, yet he fights the seizure with a smile.
I have my "pity parties" like everyone else, but at the end of the day I know how incredibly blessed I am. I have my kids, my hubby, my job and my family. God really does know what He is doing, the goal is to stay the path. I pray daily for the wisdom patience to take care of my children and my students and the strength to "stay the course."
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