October 8 Fear

At 1:30 am we were finally taken to our room in the ICU. Rob had gone home to take care of the other two kids and I was with Luke. I still was not sure why we were in ICU. I knew he had pnuemonia and that his liver count was high, but did not know what any of that meant. 2:00 am the dr. told me that my baby's liver and kidneys were not functioning and that he had pnuemonia. The fear that I felt at that moment was so completely overwhelming. I wanted to call Rob and tell him, but did not want to wake him up. I knew it was something that would have to wait until morning. I cried to myself that entire night. We have been through so much in our life and Luke has went into battle over and over again in his short 2 1/2 year life. I did not know what to do or what to think. I know that this is God's plan and that it was in the works way before we even knew Luke would come into this world, but that still doesn't make it any easier. That early morning I sat over my son's crib filled with complete fear as to what out future holds. I have seen loss, I have imagined loss, I did not want to live loss. I prayed harder at that moment than any other moment in my life. I prayed for trust, strength and guidance. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have Luke and how much he brought to our life. That most perfect smile kept popping into my head and contagious laugh. How could I live without that? At that moment I completely turned it over to God. That doesn't mean that I was okay with what was happening, or that I wasn't scared and felt completely devastated. It meant that I knew I had no control, I knew it was completely in God's hands and that we would need prayer. One thing I have learned over the past 7 years living with TS is that it is not my plan, but God's plan. All I could do was pray for my boy and trust that God would bring him through. I sent a FB updates asking for prayer and to spread the word and it did spread like a wild fire. We were not alone and God was hearing our prayers. Now the fear was, not whether God was listening, but what was God's plan?