Being Better

This has been a rough week.  A teacher at school and friend had a meltdown and wrote me a nasty email on all the things that are wrong with me, a parent called stating that her daughter comes home everyday telling her that I am always in a bad mood and yell all day then Jake has had a couple rough days of not listening and attacking me, finally I got really mad at Rob today for not slowing down and helping me deal with Jake rather than making it worse at church. Considering the sermon today was James 1 "Built to Last," a few points really hit home.

As far as my friend that decided to have a meltdown and make me the target, I was forced to pause. She has been going through some rough health issues and having issues with feeling sorry for herself. I have recognized this and been trying to help her, which she took as me try to take over or trying to show her up. Initially my feelings were extremely hurt and I questioned whether I could get past the accusations. How could someone that is my friend say such horrible things? Plus, I tend to have issues with people that feel their life is so much harder than everyone else's.  She has said numerous time "this is not how I planned my life to be." This statement often gets on my nerves as I think "and you think having 3 kids and a husband with TSC, dealing with the seizures, behaviors and delay was in my plan?" There are many people in this world that face insurmountable trials and to assume that your problems are worse than everyone else's and that you get a pass on insensitive and thoughtless behavior drives me insane. So, I have to stop and reflect on how God is using this to make me a better person. People say and do stupid things when they are in the "poor me" mode and often times regret it after (my friend did apologize, but it had a "but" statement that followed). Allowing her words to bother and stay with me is giving power where it shouldn't be. I know what she is accusing isn't true and those that know me, know it isn't true, but most importantly, God knows it isn't true. So, I have to just let it go.

Then, to say a phone call from a parent stating that her daughter says I am in a bad mood all day and all I do is yell, is shocking and hurtful. I love to teach and I give my students 100% constantly reminding myself to stop and think before I react to anything my students do.  As a parent with 3 kids with issues, I strive to teach my students how I pray my own children's teachers are teaching them. So once again, I am forced to stop and put the situation in context. This particular student is known for lying to her parents to get her way (her mom did her ENTIRE homework packet last week), the mom tends to listen and give her daughter whatever she wants, the parents are going through a divorce and this student is an only child. This is another one of those instances where I have no control of what my student is saying or what her mom chooses to believe, but have to simply continue teaching how I teach and allow it to speak for itself. Accusations like this break my heart and once again, could very easily eat me up inside. And once again,  I know what my student is accusing isn't true and those that know me, know it isn't true, but most importantly, God knows it isn't true. So, I have to just let it go.

Now dealing with Jake, what can I say? Those that know us and know my boy also know that dealing with his behavior is exhausting.  This weekend he has been extra obsessive and physical, not sure why, and holding it together has become more and more trying. To add to it, I sometime feel I am battling an uphill battle when Rob does not have the patience and I end up getting grabbed, pinched and yelled at in an attempt to bring Jake back (by Jake not Rob). I try not to get mad at Rob, because to deal with Jake takes superhuman patience and Rob is beyond an incredible dad. But after having both boys home alone, most the day yesterday (Rob and Ry were at volleyball), I was hoping that Rob could pick up the slack and help out more with Jake last night and today.  One thing we have learned from dealing with Jake is that yelling and snapping only makes him worse and more determined to get whatever it is he wants. So when Rob has been quick to yell and snap, once again it takes superhuman patience, I have been frustrated to the point of tears. The added stress of the two other encounters that dragged me down this week haven't helped either.  I am once again faced with the choice of holding onto the frustration or simply letting it go.

The sermon today was on "Built to Last."  It was all about how failures and trials lead to wisdom and a strong foundation that allow you to have humility, strength to resist temptations and the intelligence to recognize your gifts. How many times have I felt like a failure? When friends write me hurtful emails, students make false accusations, I am in a battle with Jake and those times I allow my frustration with life fall on my marriage. Gotta say, most days I feel like a failure. Does that mean I am? Of course not, but that is where my foundation in Christ has to guide me to learn from those moments that I do fail and recognize the moments when others portray their failures on me. In my 36 years God has carried me through some rough times and it is my job to take that foundation he has laid and be stronger. Whatever my purpose for this life, I need to recognize and stay focused that my job is to bring glory to God in all that I do.  I am grateful for this life and what it teaches me daily.